Be the Friend Everyone Wants to Have

Be the Friend Everyone Wants to Have

 

• The Go-to Gal

  By Alison Singh Gee
  Ever notice how there's often that one woman in your circle of friends who stands out? Others gravitate toward her, admire her and would be everyone's first pick for maid of honor. So how does that one friend become the best friend? Glo talked to the experts to find out what it takes to turn yourself into the ultimate pal.

Have a Vision

If you wish your circle of friends had regular Sunday brunches filled with Mimosas and chatter, then be the one to make it happen. "Leaders have a vision of the world they want to create, and lead by convincing others to believe in that vision too," says Eva Ritvo M.D., a psychiatrist in Miami, Fla. Find a great restaurant and take the initiative to get a date on the calendar. (If you don't, then who will?) But, remember, you want to be a pal, not a puppeteer—your crew doesn't need to mirror the one from Sex and the City to be legit. Encourage get-togethers but let the group grow naturally.

  

Remember Birthdays

"A birthday can serve as an annual reminder to reconnect with someone you may have been meaning to call," says Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Sara Kenney, L.C.S.W. But you don't have to lavish a big, expensive gift—or any gift at all—on the birthday girl. According to Kenney, research shows that the simple act of getting in touch on birthdays (or any significant date) is enough to keep old friendships going, even when you've been separated by both time and distance.

Let It Shine

Maybe you've perfected the art of the martini or know how to make a throw pillow in three easy steps. If you offer to share your skills, then "you both gain," says Kenney. Remember to let your pals shine too. Coordinate a monthly club where every woman has a chance to demonstrate her expertise. "Sharing skills is a great way for everyone to get to know and appreciate each other better," says Kenney. "Your friends will value that you cared enough to pull this all together."

Cut the Rumors

If you keep conversations gossip-free, Kenny says you'll keep your friends from wondering if you talk about them when they're not around. If a pal starts churning the rumor mill, take the high road without coming off as holier than thou. If she asks if you've heard that so-and-so is cheating on her boyfriend, "you might say, 'Ouch! Those situations are so complicated for everyone involved,'" says Kenney. Then, she says to switch gears. Try something like: "Speaking of, did you know that she's working with Habitat for Humanity this weekend? I've been wanting to do something like that myself."

Show Up

Part of being both a leader and a good friend is about "showing up when you're needed, not just when you need or want something," says Kenney. "Friends need to know that friendship runs both ways, and it's a relief to have a friend you can count on when you're in need." Remember to be there for the good times, too. Cheer from the audience when your friend wins an award, or get the group together for drinks to celebrate a pal's promotion. These are the moments that will bond you for life.

Ask for Help

Altruism is hardwired into us, and we get positive rewards biochemically from our brains when we do something nice for someone else. This good feeling goes both ways, says Kenney. "When we can do something good for someone who has helped us, it underscores that a relationship is reciprocal, and not just one person doing the 'heavy lifting' all the time," she says. "Asking for help every once in a while keeps things feeling balanced, and good, to both friends." Plus, leaning on your friends from time to time reminds them that you, too, are only human.

Speak Up

If you have an issue with a friend in your circle, then find a gentle, positive, honest way to let her know what bothered you. Don't keep hurt feelings inside because you think that's going to keep the peace. You'll just feel resentful, and that will eventually poison your relationships, not strengthen them. "A good friend can hear what you have to say and respond appropriately," says Kenney. "Even if she is initially defensive, she will come around. Remember, if someone doesn't know that there's a problem, she can't fix it."

Welcome Newcomers

A new friend will bring perspective, experience and style all her own, which can recharge the group dynamic." By introducing new friends into your circle, you show your generosity of spirit and keep new energy, interests and ideas flowing through your group. "Being open to new experiences allows us to learn and grow," says Kenney.

 

What Your Best Friend Won't Tell You

BFF Confidential

By Woman's Day

Whether your best pal complains about work or her husband, chances are you've kept mum. "Women tend to feel responsible for their friends' feelings," says therapist Julie Hanks, "so we keep our mouths shut to prevent jeopardizing the friendship." Here, women share what they’ve never told their BFFs, and experts advise on when to stay quiet.

The Secret

"I don't like your boyfriend." "My best friend is in a toxic relationship. It's the same story over and over: He gets drunk, they have a fight and she 'kicks him out.' But then he apologizes, and she forgives him. I want to tell her he's bad for her, but I know she won't listen; she's afraid this guy is her last chance to have a child," says Danette.

The Experts Say

If it's not a matter of a cheater, abuser or toxic situation, and you just don't like the guy for superficial reasons, grin and bear it. Says Hanks, "If she's chosen him, and you've chosen to remain friends with her, then nothing good comes of letting her know you just don't like him.” Instead, avoid spending time with them as a couple, while always leaving the door open for her to talk if the relationship does turn dangerous.

The Secret

"I can't believe you never gave me a wedding present." When Karen* got married two years ago, she was shocked that one of her closest friends didn't bring a gift—and still hasn't made good. "It leaves me reeling every time I think of it. I'd never dare say anything because, well, don't I sound a bit petty?” [*Some names have been changed.]

The Experts Say

The present is probably something you can let go, advises Hanks, "because you can choose to believe that your friend truly cares about you, and that maybe she forgot or feels embarrassed about it." But if it's an ongoing situation, such as your friend not calling, then you can say something like "It makes me feel like you don't care about our friendship, because I'm always the one calling you."

The Secret

"You never want to talk about our issues." "One of my best friends is incredibly smart and my go-to person for advice. We share all the good and bad stuff about our lives, but never address any kinks in our friendship, so our relationship feels somehow incomplete and not fully realized,” says Lori.*

The Experts Say

"If your friend can't be relied on for the level of friendship you want, you can end up feeling like you're not being heard," says Doree Lewak, author of The Panic Years. "This is worth addressing—otherwise, what's the foundation of the friendship?" It's fine to have friends on different levels; you may just have to manage your expectations.

The Secret

"Your husband hit on me." "I never told my best friend that her then-boyfriend, now husband, hit on me," says Shelley.* "She was so madly in love with him that I couldn't bring myself to hurt her by telling her. I figured she'd catch on by herself that he was no good—but she ended up marrying him."

The Experts Say

Though the ship has sailed in Shelley's case, if you know for a fact that a friend's boyfriend or husband is a cheater, you should absolutely tell her. But speak carefully. Hanks suggests trying this: "Something happened that I'm really uncomfortable with, and as your friend I want you to know." That's different from "Hey, your boyfriend is a big jerk!"

The Secret

"Your children drive me crazy!" "I love my best friend dearly—but her kid? I can't stand him! He's my son's age, but he has no respect for adults, and I find him unpleasant to be around," says Lisa.*

The Experts Say

What children can do to a friendship is similar to what a husband or boyfriend can do: Personality conflicts can drive a wedge between friends, says Lewak. "If this is a close friend, address it, but use empathy," adds Hanks. Try this: "I want to share my concern that when Joe is here, he's doing [XYZ]. Mom to mom, I want to let you know, and I hope that if my Susie is like that at your house, you'd tell me."

The Secret

"You complain, but then you don't take my advice." "My friend complains all the time about her work life. She's had five jobs in four years, and they're never right. I stopped trying to give her advice because she never takes it, and I don't want to waste my breath anymore," says Sandra.*

The Experts Say

Having a friend continually dump unhappiness on you can be exhausting. If you value the friendship, then "ask her what she wants when she shares her complaints," suggests Hanks. Say something like, "I know this job stress has been going on for years. I've tried to [help] but I don't feel like I'm giving you what you need. What might help?'" If she just wants a quiet sounding board, set boundaries so you don't feel drained.

The Secret

"You don't lean on me." "I met my best friend in college. We talk at least twice a week and get together whenever we can. But one thing that hurts me is that she doesn't tell me when something really important is going on in her life. She bought a house, but didn't tell me she was looking. She was very ill and I didn't know until I called and her husband told me. I wish she leaned on me for support," says Mary.*

The Experts Say

Sounds like Mary's friend finds support elsewhere—and it may not occur to her that Mary feels hurt about being left out of the loop, says Hanks. "Tell her how you feel: 'I'd love to know more about what's going on in your life, even if it's hard. I really care about you and I want to be supportive, especially during the difficult times.'"